The Silly Season Part II
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A few years ago, around about this time of year, I wrote a little piece called “Welcome to the Silly Season”.
 The Silly Season is the time of year when football fans experience an excruciating emptiness. Normally wild and fearless, thousands of face-painted madmen wander aimlessly about, stripped of purpose, wondering what the heck to do with themselves for four or five awful weeks.
It happens every year of course. There’s basically no football news of any importance and we’re left to discuss such matters as the inevitable run-ins with the law by our heroes, or the merits of the foxtrot, the quickstep or the samba. Dancing with the Stars has clearly made an impact on the psyche of the NFL. Look for a whole new terminology to evolve this coming season as Jason Taylor waltzes past D’Brickashaw Ferguson and sachés Jets QB Chad Pennington. Seriously.
The last time I wrote about “the silly season”, a Miami linebacker whose name I have long forgotten fell off a ladder while changing a light bulb. This led me to the question: How many Dolphins does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Five. One to unscrew it and four to pick him up when he falls off the ladder and tears his ACL.
Don’t expect the next few weeks to be any different. Our heroes on the field are being left to fend for themselves, to be responsible for leading good healthy lifestyles and to stay out of trouble until they get back under the watchful eyes of the Czar and his lieutenants. A surefire recipe for disaster in certain selected cases.
Just Friday afternoon for instance, cornerback Will Allen apparently pulled a gun on a gambling debt collector in a Bed, Bath and Beyond car park of all places, and is currently under investigation. Don’t be surprised to see Allen take a bath on this one before it’s finally put to bed and beyond. Sorry, couldn’t resist it.
Maybe Bill Parcells should declare parking lots off limits to players from now on, since full back Reagan Mauia smacked a fellow patron unconscious in the Carolina Ale House parking lot a few weeks ago. His case is pending. And before that, linebacker Channing Crowder abandoned his truck after running it into a tree in the wee hours of the morning on the Florida Turnpike, and defensive end Matt Roth was fined for public intoxication in Iowa.
But apart from that and the dancing defensive end, it is basically a football wasteland. Nada. Nothing.
It’s enough to make the long suffering Dolfan hang his painted face and reach for a handful of Prozac. But don’t despair my faithful readers, we here at MiamiDolphinsBahamas.com have had enough of this nonsense and frankly, as in previous years, we’re not going to take it any more. You, the hard working ever-faithful fan deserves better, and we’re going to change things. You want to know what your favorite players are up to during this officially imposed silence, and by golly we are going to tell you!
At huge expense, our reporters have fanned out across Florida and elsewhere to scoop the inside stories that other sports reporters have taken a mid-summer vow to keep from you, the long suffering fans.
So here’s the appetizer, four teasers of little known football tit-bits to start you off on the long summer journey:
• Ricky Williams had dinner with Bill Parcells the other day, and one of our staff writers, posing as a waiter, was able to check in on their conversation. Apparently they bonded. Ricky spent much of the time trying to persuade Bill not to put his hair in dreadlocks while Bill poured down six Coors Lights and Ricky had a smoke.
• During a rookie meeting roll call, 5’7” 170 lb wide receiver Jayson Foster’s response was muffled when his name was called. Turns out 6’2” 345 lb defensive end Kerry Robertson was sitting on him and hadn’t noticed.
• Joey Porter, reportedly can’t stop talking trash, even at home, and now we understand that his garbage can has taken to talking back to him.
• We have been told that there is no truth to the rumor that John Beck has got Chad Henne teetering on joining the Mormon faith and going on a two year mission to Equador.
Rest assured there will be more of this startling stuff. Our mission is to keep you informed and out of the medicine cabinet. So, until the next time, that’s it folks.
Try to stay focused with old 1972 re-runs, double check your stock of aqua and orange face paint, and above all remember to chant “J-E-T-S SUCK SUCK SUCK” before turning out the light each night.
Good luck. More later.
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